Hefty bag as swimsuit better than hefty pricetag

As I have mentioned in previous columns, I look forward to bathing-suit shopping with my daughters almost as much as major dental surgery without anesthesia. But that’s exactly where I found myself recently when my youngest daughter informed me that we were a few days away from a high school end-of-year swim party, and if she didn’t get a new swimsuit, she might have to wear a modified Hefty bag (which didn’t sound all that bad to me).

Needless to say, I soon found myself in Target. Yes, this was before the Satanist clothing designer-Pride display debacle officially “hit the fan.” I do think I saw a Pride display out of the corner of my eye, but I could have seen President Biden and Vladimir Putin mud wrestling – in the nude – and not been distracted. I was on a mission to find a modest bathing suit for my daughter – and then find the exit as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, I didn’t consider that a dad doesn’t just take his daughters into a big box store like Target and purchase only one item. To complicate matters, I also brought my middle daughter, who is home from college for the summer, for moral support.

I spent the first part of this expedition leaning against a display of men’s briefs while my daughters argued in the dressing room about which swimsuits I would reject for revealing too much elbow. They were in there for so long that I could have crocheted them an appropriate 1800s-style bathing gown myself.

Instead, I began pondering the potential loss of another big box store since Bed Bath & Beyond recently filed for bankruptcy. I really enjoyed shopping at BB&B. It was one of the few places where I could choose from a wide selection of toilet brushes, spatulas and Mother’s Day cards – sometimes all at once. Besides, the whole store smelled like my wife’s shower soap, which I may or may not use when I get the urge to feel refreshed.

Once the girls came out and assured me that their swimsuit choices would be suitable for a Sunday night hymn sing at church, I tried to head to the checkout line – but they redirected me to the pool toy section, then to the grocery section, and then to the toiletries and cosmetics.

Here is a list of our purchases (Mind you, we went in for one dad-approved bathing suit.): Two swimsuits (including one bikini that I told my youngest daughter I would be wearing before she does); two jumbo inflatable pool floats; a pack of strawberry lemonade green bubble tea; two enormous bags of gourmet popcorn with Himalayan salt; a sparkly purple ergonomic woman’s razor (I didn’t ask questions); a large jar of birthday-cake shea sugar body scrub (Huh?); Some “blush fantasy” tinted lip balm); and a giant container of Extra-Strength TUMS (for me).

Once I recovered from the shock over the total on my receipt, I resolved to be grateful for the time spent with my daughters. I also promised myself that the next time someone asks me for a new swimsuit, I’m heading to Walmart for some Hefty bags.

Copyright 2023 Jase Graves distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Graves is an award-winning humor columnist from East Texas. Contact Graves at susanjase@sbcglobal.net.