Underworld: Evolution

Starring Kate Beckinsale, Derek Jacobi. Rated R

You gotta see this if: You’ve tried reading, but all those words make you tired.

final analysis: *

I remember seeing Kate Beckinsale in “Much Ado About Nothing” and thinking she was a pretty good actor. Since then, she’s made one hideous script choice after another. Maybe she should switch to the stage. “Underworld: Evolution” is bad … second feature at the drive-in bad. The plot is completely convoluted and explained through mind-numbing narration and flashbacks. If you actually try to understand it, you’ll get a headache. Besides, the movie is really about just one thing: Kate Beckinsale kicking vampire butt in a latex bodysuit. At least in “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” there’s some humor. “Evolution” is humorless. It’s bloody, dark, loud and boring. Even the late-night television style sex scene looks as if the two actors would rather be somewhere else. If you want a great vampire or lycanthrope story, pick up an Anne Rice or Laurell K. Hamilton novel. With any imagination at all, you’ll derive more entertainment from one of these than you will from this sucky snoozer.

Nanny McPhee

Starring Emma Thompson, Colin Firth. Rated PG

You gotta see this if: You’re sick of watching “The Heffalump Movie.”

final analysis: *** This isn’t “Mary Poppins.” No one is “practically perfect” while dishing out “spoonfuls of sugar.” While the story may be similar, the tone is very different. “Nanny McPhee” is darker, a little scarier, and perfect for whipping seven young hooligans into shape. Colin Firth is delightful as the single dad who hires Nanny McPhee to care for his rebellious brood and help keep the family together despite a mean great-aunt (Angela Lansbury) determined to break them apart. The story isn’t new, but it is wonderfully executed. Emma Thompson is pure magic as the nanny with warts, a snaggle tooth and a monobrow. Nanny McPhee’s looks, however, are like a mirror reflecting the children’s feelings for her, and she changes as her young charges grow to love her. This is a perfect family movie that parents can enjoy as much as the kids. Its intelligence is like a cherry on top of a sundae with plenty of nuts to balance the sweetness.

Fateless

Starring Marcell Nagy, Daniel Craig. Not Rated

You gotta see this if: You write letters to the editor in support of the “holocaust myth.”

final analysis: **** This movie feels like a nightmare, one that scares you while you’re dreaming but fascinates you upon waking. It is the autobiographical story of an adolescent boy coming of age in concentration camps during the holocaust. His story is told with minimal dialogue but his face conveys everything. “Fateless” is told solely through the experiences of Gyuri, the Hungarian boy taken off a bus in Budapest and transported to Auschwitz. What he experiences there and in consequent camps is colored only by the unsaturated watery palette used in the cinematography. There is not much plot, no overt message, just the day to day survival of one boy. The movie is never comfortable to watch, but it’s one of the most honest movies in my experience. There is beauty in so much honesty. Even after Gyuri is liberated and returns to a war-ravaged Budapest, there is no real release, no happy ending. Gyuri has prepared to die and must undertake a long journey toward learning to live.