Proofread carefully to make make sure your writing is correct.
It never ceases to annoy me when people misuse the written word. English is a beautifully ugly language.
For one, it allows phrases like “beautifully ugly.” For two, it has words like “peek,” “peak,” and “pique,” which are all pronounced the same way, but which mean completely different things.
Therefore, in the interest of grammar, I’ve compiled a list of examples of how to use English properly.
After reading these, I’m sure you won’t be the least bit confused. And then you’ll know how to impress all your friends with your knowledge of English.
INCORRECT: I piqued at the peek, peaked.
CORRECT: I peeked at the peak, piqued.
INCORRECT: By the weigh, let’s whey some way.
CORRECT: By the way, let’s weigh some whey.
INCORRECT: They had the two-toad towed toed.
CORRECT: They had the two-toed toad towed.
See? Look how simple and easy it is. Forget for a moment that you can’t really tow a toad. It’s still a perfectly intelligible sentence. Let’s look at a few more examples:
INCORRECT: Their, there not so bad.
CORRECT: There, they’re not so bad.
INCORRECT: Your a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
CORRECT: You’re an excellent one, Miss Paskhaver.
INCORRECT: No more tequila.
CORRECT: No, more tequila!
After sampling a little too much tequila, I, like other grammar nerds, tend to loosen up. Not “losen” up.
“Loose” and “lose” are different, as are “breath” and “breathe.”
But I shouldn’t be so angry. After all, most people use the wrong words purely by accident. They don’t mean any harm to their readers or to the English language.
So I guess it”s time for me to take a deep breathe and remind myself that its okay fir people to make m’stakes.
English is rich in idiosyncrasies (whatever that means). Though I shudder at the thought, it may in fact be acceptable for people to get creative with it.
Hence, you have novelists like James Joyce. He “wrote” a famous book called “Ulysses,” which was like “The Odyssey” in the sense that if it were written in Ancient Greek, you’d understand about as much of it.
Here’s a quote from the book: “Ah, poor dogsbody! he said in a kind voice. I must give you a shirt and a few noserags. How are the secondhand breeks?”
I have no idea what a breek is, much less a secondhand one, but I bet Joyce does. I bet he’s the only one who does.
Language is meant to be shared. Having a working knowledge of English means being able to understand others and make yourself understood.
You can play with English, but only to a certain extent.
Language is like Silly Putty. You can’t stretch it too far, or it breaks. Or breeks. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
So let’s commit ourselves to using English properly. Let’s promote mutual understanding, no matter how piqued we may be.
English is a difficult language, though it can be understood through tough thorough thought.
Copyright 2026 Alexandra Paskhaver, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Alexandra Paskhaver is a software engineer and writer. Both jobs require knowing where to stick semicolons, but she’s never quite; figured; it; out. For more information, check out her website at https://apaskhaver.github.io.
