How to create that perfect Christmas tree

Published 8:00 pm Wednesday, December 6, 2006

When it comes to holiday greenery, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

I’d like to start this column with a confession. I am an HGTV addict. For those without the addiction, that’s Home and Garden TV, the cable show that endlessly tells you how you too can turn your home into the envy of the neighborhood for just pennies. Well, several thousand pennies in most cases, but still.

I went without cable for the last year and the withdrawal was not too bad, but as soon as I had cable again, my fingers automatically picked out channel 68, and I was transfixed.

I watch the show the way most men watch sports — I yell at the designers for their color choices, howl when they hack into the wall of a vintage Craftsman home, cheer when the family loves the commando remodeling job.

For those who love to do home craft projects, Christmas is the high holy holiday, and HGTV is in full craft mode with every show featuring ideas on how to make — and I mean make as in do-it-yourself — your holiday bigger and better than anyone else’s. And that starts with an awesome Christmas tree.

Christmas is all about tradition, and for many people that means trudging out in the rain to cut a Christmas tree, strap it to the roof of the car and bring it home, like a hunting trophy.

A space is cleared for it in the living room, and after cutting off the top to make it fit — it looked so much smaller outdoors — and tying it to the wall, it’s ready to decorate.

Then out comes the box of ornaments that includes every child-created masterpiece, from frozen juice lids decorated with glitter and popsicle stick snowflakes to photos pasted on paper plates and pipe cleaner candles. Sentimental favorites, one and all.

Tinsel is gleefully thrown on in clumps, despite the family obsessive-compulsive’s plea for order. Delicate glass balls are placed out of reach of the curious kitten and candy canes and lights provide the finishing touch — along with the circa 1973 tree top angel.

That homey, Norman Rockwellian Christmas tree just doesn’t cut it with the HGTV crowd. And don’t even think about buying a pre-decorated fake tree.

They prefer real trees with a theme, such as “Bowling in Paradise” — a tree bedecked with glitter-coated bowling pins and flamingos in Santa hats, or “Midnight on the Orient Express,” with gift-laden trains, clove-studded mandarin oranges and crescent moons, set off with mysterious blue lights. And bows. Lots of bows. Key phrase: “More is more.”

Most trees grown on tree farms don’t provide enough clearance for hanging the over-the-top displays favored by the HGTV crews. Having been pruned with machetes all their evergreen lives, farm trees tend to be fat and bushy. Too bushy.

HGTV solution: chop out half the branches. You might want to have a backup tree before trying this at home — there’s a fine line between just enough space and the pathetic Charlie Brown tree. You want people to say “Ahhh,” not “Awww,” when they see your tree.

The goal is to cut out enough branches so that the remaining ones leave plenty of room for ornaments to dangle nicely, as well as flat platforms for other adornments, such as trains and teddy bears.

Growing up on forested property on the Olympic Peninsula, we didn’t have to go far to find our tree. Just a quick jaunt to the back 40 would yield a suitable specimen. If it was a bit sparse, so much the better: my mom was into flocking. With the tree set up in the yard she would hook the vacuum hose to the cleaner’s exhaust, screw on the canister of flock, which appeared to be made of powdered white plastic, and set about blowing fake snow onto the tree. And I don’t mean just a light dusting — we’re talking blizzard. In 1969, that was high tree art.

Sometimes she tried to create an elegant effect, adding just blue satin balls and white lights, but somehow the tinsel and handmade ornaments always crept back on.

Another HGTV suggestion was to buy a shorter tree, since they are sold by the foot, and mount it in a giant planter filled with gravel. That way you get the height and have even more of the all important room for presents at the bottom. It was cute, but somehow disturbing, like an overgrown shrub masquerading as a tree.

I’m sure HGTV has a Christmas tree for small spaces, but I came up with my own solution several years ago. I made a 3-D tree out of stained glass that folds flat for storage. All I have to do is unwrap it, set it up on the coffeetable, put in new candles and I’m ready for Christmas. Well, that and hanging a swag of real evergreens to hold the keepsake ornaments. There are some traditions you just don’t mess with.